The Silent Killer: How Incongruence Can Erode Your Marriage (And How to Stop It)

The Silent Killer: How Incongruence Can Erode Your Marriage (And How to Stop It)

In my journey as a Family-Life Coach, I have been asked some mind troubling questions. 

Some of those questions will make wonder if marriage is truly worth all the wàhálà.

In retrospect, I have realised that in my quest to find answers to some of these questions, I have learnt so much.

One of the things I learnt is what you're about to read.

It is important to read these things again and again, and with an open mind.

We all dream of a relationship built on trust, understanding, and genuine connection. 

But what happens when there's a subtle, yet persistent, disconnect between what's said and what's done

This insidious force is called incongruence, and it can be the silent killer of even the most promising relationships, from the first date to decades of marriage.

Incongruence is essentially a lack of ALIGNMENT. 

It’s when a person's words, actions, and inner feelings don't quite match up. 

Think of it as a subtle dissonance that creates a feeling of "something being off." 

While it might start small, if left unaddressed, incongruence can chip away at the very foundation of trust and intimacy.

So, how can you spot this relational saboteur, and more importantly, how can you address and avoid it?

Early Warning Signs: Your Gut Knows Best

Often, the first indicators of incongruence are felt, not necessarily seen. Your intuition might be sending you signals. Pay attention to these early warning signs:

Words and Actions Don't Align: This is the most glaring sign. -

Does your partner say they're committed to your future together, but their actions (e.g., constantly prioritizing friends over you, avoiding serious conversations, or flirty behaviour with others) tell a different story? 

I feel like winking.

The Emotional Disconnect: Do you feel a strange emotional distance even when you're physically together? 

You might feel lonely in their presence, or as though your true self isn't fully seen or understood.

Conflicting Non-Verbal Cues: Body language and tone of voice can be incredibly telling. 

Someone might say "I'm fine" with a tight, forced smile while their eyes betray deep sadness or frustration.

MISMATCHED Life Goals (Unaddressed): As you get to know each other, do you uncover significant differences in fundamental values or long-term aspirations (e.g., family planning, career ambitions, financial priorities) that are consistently brushed under the rug?

Feeling Like You Can't Be Your True Self: Do you find yourself censoring your opinions, hiding parts of your personality, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict or disapproval from your partner? If you can't be authentic, neither can the relationship. Mark this one, it is the atomic and also the ballistic missile that ruins relationships. 

If after reading this, you seem to have found yourself in any of them, let us attempt to fix it.

Addressing and Avoiding the Disconnect

Catching incongruence early is crucial. Addressing it requires courage, honesty, and a commitment from both partners.

Prioritize Open and Honest Communication: This is non-negotiable. If something feels off, bring it up. 

Use "I" statements to express your feelings without assigning blame. 

For example, instead of "You always say one thing and do another," try "I feel confused and a little hurt when I hear X but see Y."

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Both partners need to understand their own values, needs, and emotions. The more congruent you are with yourself, the more authentically you can show up in your relationship.

Practice Active Listening: Truly listen to understand your partner's perspective, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. 

Ask clarifying questions and try to grasp the emotions behind their words.

Validate Feelings (Even if You Disagree): You don't have to agree with your partner's viewpoint to acknowledge and respect their feelings. 

Saying something like, "I hear that you're feeling frustrated right now, and I understand why you might feel that way," can go a long way in creating a safe space.

Embrace a Team Mentality: Approach disagreements as a team working together to solve a problem, not as adversaries. 

The goal isn't to "win" an argument, but to find a solution that works for both of you and strengthens the bond.

Let me say this very LOUD and very CLEAR: if your goal is to win arguments with your spouse, or make him/her feel like a fool, know that you have been out marriage.

The Grave Dangers of Ignoring Incongruence

If incongruence is allowed to fester, it can wreak havoc on a marriage. 

The consequences are far-reaching and often devastating:

Erosion of Trust: When words and actions consistently don't align, trust evaporates. It becomes impossible to rely on your partner, leading to a constant state of suspicion and doubt.

Built-Up Resentment: Unaddressed inconsistencies accumulate, transforming into deep-seated resentment. 

This bitter feeling can become so ingrained that it's nearly impossible to overcome, poisoning every interaction.

Profound Emotional and Physical Distance: Incongruence creates a formidable wall between partners. This emotional chasm often leads to physical distance, leaving one or both partners feeling intensely lonely and isolated within the marriage.

Loss of Self: Constantly making excuses for your partner's behaviour or suppressing your authentic self to maintain a false sense of peace leads to a tragic loss of individuality and self-worth. You lose sight of who you are.

This will lead to the Complete Breakdown of: 

✓ Communication: As trust dwindles and resentment mounts, healthy communication becomes impossible. 

Conversations become strained, argumentative, or simply cease, making it impossible to resolve future conflicts and often leading to separation or divorce.

Yes, Incongruence is a formidable challenge, but it is not insurmountable.

By learning to identify its early signs, committing to open and honest communication, and actively working towards alignment, couples can safeguard their relationships and build a truly authentic, trusting, and enduring partnership. Don't let the silent killer claim your marriage.

I'm TheCoachremi.